Episode Summary

In this episode of The Pink Elephant Podcast, Dr. Debbie Akerman sits down with licensed social worker Shaindy Urman, who oversees a domestic abuse shelter program for Jewish survivors in Brooklyn and works with Jewish young people in recovery from drugs and alcohol. Together they explore the deeply important and often overlooked issue of domestic violence in the Orthodox Jewish community.

Shaindy shares her personal journey — from a decade working at The Jewish Press, to discovering social work in her late twenties, to her own experience as a survivor of domestic abuse. She discusses the gradual, insidious nature of DV, the cultural and religious pressures that keep women trapped, and the critical shortage of education and accountability within the community.

The conversation covers the cycle of abuse, common misconceptions, the overlap between addiction and domestic violence, and the urgent need to shift responsibility away from victims and toward perpetrators and community leaders.

Key Takeaways

Domestic violence is far more prevalent in the Orthodox Jewish community than most people acknowledge — and the women who call a shelter hotline represent only a fraction of those actually experiencing abuse.

DV is not an anger problem or a loss of control — it is rooted in power and control, and perpetrators are far more calculated than commonly believed.

Cultural and religious messaging that centers female self-sacrifice and male authority can create conditions where abuse is normalized and women feel they have no identity or life outside of marriage.

Financial abuse is a critical and underrecognized form of DV. Having independent access to money is an essential step toward safety and autonomy.

Community accountability is largely absent — perpetrators rarely face meaningful consequences, and powerful men are routinely protected by their social standing.

Education must be directed at boys and men, not only at girls and women. Teaching girls to protect themselves without teaching boys not to be abusive is an incomplete and unfair approach.

Notable Quotes

"Who wants to identify with the word abuse or the word victim? If you come to accept that, your life essentially goes up in smoke — and then what?"

"It's very gradual, very insidious, which means there are always good times to look back on and good times to hope for. Until there isn't."

"They're able to turn their anger problem on and off around others. That goes back to the myth — people think it's a loss of control, but actually they're very much in control."

"I do it because I have to. I can't remember the last time I heard a podcast that talked about this. We don't talk about partner violence."